Daddy, Boyfriend & Me: Her First Romantic Menage Page 9

  William sat down on the hard chair and looked at me, his eyes soft.

  “How are you doing?” He finally asked me.

  I nodded slightly, trying not to smile. He had broken my heart, but a part of me was still happy to see him. This wasn’t fair, the power he still had over me when he wasn’t even my daddy anymore.

  “I’m okay.” I told him before the frustrated part of me took hold and asked him, “how can I help you?”

  William cleared his throat and looked away from me, “I just needed to come by and make sure you were okay. That you would be able to return to work next week.” He told me.

  “Did you now?” I asked.

  “Yes. I needed to know you were okay.” He confessed, looking me in the eye then.

  I nodded, “I will be okay to return to work next week.” I told him.

  “Good.” He said without moving.

  Frustrated I asked him, “is there anything else?”

  William nodded his head a little and looking up at the ceiling he told me, “there is.”

  “And what’s that?” I asked.

  “I wanted to see how you were going for my own sake.” He told me, “I feel guilty for leading you on when I knew you would need to leave me in the end anyway. I just couldn’t not have you.”

  “You couldn’t not have me?” I asked, raising my eyebrow pointedly.

  “Yes. I couldn’t not have you.” He told me.

  I took a deep breath before telling him, “I understand there’s a lot going on here, but you need to talk to me about it, hanging up the phone is-” I was starting to get worked up, and William cut me off by holding up his hand.

  “Mel, I never had children because I chose to live in this unconventional way. I didn’t want that for you, too.” He told me.

  I nodded my head, sure, whatever.

  “I don’t want just Joel, though.” I told him, “I want both of you, and now I have neither of you.”

  “You have, neither of us?” William asked in a careful tone, his eyes widening.

  I nodded my head. “That’s correct. I have neither of you right now.” I told him.

  “Did he, break up with you too?” William asked in the same careful tone as before. I wondered when he would drop that tone as I found it annoying.

  I tried to ignore how annoying his question was as I told him, “yes, he broke up with me when I told him that you and I had broken up. I told him that it didn’t matter if you didn’t want to be with me, that I still wanted more than one man now. Maybe in the future, in a far-off future, I would want something different, just one person to have children with. That’s not what I want right now though, and I don’t want to deprive myself of what I want just because it’s not politically correct.”

  “Politically correct?” William asked, cocking his head slightly.

  “Yes, politically correct. As in, it’s not okay with society or whatever. It’s not what ‘good girls’ want. But it’s what I want. And I have to be true to myself. You taught me that.” I told him.

  William had been nodding along to my comments until the last, when he had looked a little uncomfortable. “It’s not that simple.” He told me.

  “Why isn’t it that simple?” I asked.

  “Because people like us, we can’t live our lives in public. We have to keep ourselves secret, and it’s difficult.” He told me.

  “Is it?” I asked.

  “Do you think I could get away with being openly in a relationship with a woman young enough to be my daughter - and who I role play daddy with - who was also in a relationship with a man young enough to be my son if everyone who knew me - even at work - knew about it?” He asked shaking his head, “the way we want to live, it’s not socially acceptable.”

  I sighed as he told me that, knowing it was true. I had worked at his office long enough to know how conservative the legal profession is. I knew what it was like, being in this place. In this place where you had to be quiet about who you were because it wasn’t okay to be who you were. It sucks and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

  “Okay.” I finally agreed after a few moments of silent reflection. “How can we make it work then, sustainably?”

  William was shaking his head, “we don’t. We can’t.” He told me, “you have to go your way and I have to go my way - romantically, at least.”

  I looked over at him and thought about that for another long moment before asking him again, “why?”

  “You know why.” He told me.

  “No, I don’t.” I told him, “I know what you’re saying, but I don’t feel like any of it is the real why. You broke up with me because you said I would need a normal life, well, I don’t want a normal life. This is what I want. You say we can’t be a couple publicly, and I don’t care. I don’t care if other people don’t know about us. Our relationship is for us.”

  “Is that so?” He asked me and I nodded.

  “That is so.” I told him.

  “But what about me?” He asked, “what if I don’t want to be the third wheel all the time?”

  “You won’t be. We were partners then. We can be partners again.” I told him.

  William was shaking his head, “I don’t know about that.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I asked.

  “I don’t know if that can work, for me. Because if you have another boyfriend your age and people see the two of you together, they will know you’re a couple. But then me? They won’t understand it.” He told me.

  “Why do the same people have to know about these two relationships?” I asked him, “can’t I keep both boyfriends separate in terms of work, then have our regular friends know about the three of us?” I asked him, but he started shaking his head before I could finish.

  “No.” He told me, “it doesn’t work like that.”

  “How do you know? We never tried it. I am only hearing about these concerns now, after you have decided it won’t work all on your own. That’s not fair, William.” I told him. I wanted so badly to have a little girl tantrum and call him daddy, but I stopped myself. This was a conversation for adults, after all.

  William just kept shaking his head. I felt the frustration bubble in my belly.

  “I just can’t see it.” He told me, “I have had relationships like this before, and it just never works.”

  “But I-” I began but William cut me off again.

  “-Will you be in next week?” He asked me, his tone suddenly switching to his professional ‘office’ voice, I tried not to cringe.

  “Yes, of course.” I said.

  William nodded and collected his things.

  “Good.” He told me, “I will see you then.”

  William was out the door before I could say anything else. I only had time to call out a goodbye and have him give me a little wave without looking back as he walked away.

  Feeling uncomfortable with the whole thing, and like I had plenty more to say which I hadn’t been given the chance to say, I just closed the door and went to pour myself a cup of tea. I needed time to think about what had just happened. To think about it, and to get angry about the injustice of it.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Returning to work at William’s PA wasn’t as difficult - or as frustrating - as I thought it would be. It was just all the stuff around being William’s PA that was hard. Seeing him at work, having to email or call or whatever him 1000 times a day in order to do my job.

  Okay, so it was hard to return to work after what had happened, without a doubt. There was no other way around this.

  Joel had treated me to radio silence. I can’t say it wasn’t obvious what was going to happen, looking back. He had gone quiet first after getting mad about something, then I had had to reach out to him after the break up with William.

  Part of me knew what was wrong with him, and that he had felt rejected because even though someone else didn’t want me, I wouldn’t just give the whole thing away and be with him. I realized looking back that the whole
time, Joel had wanted that, even as he hadn’t owned up to it enough to come out and say it.

  It is difficult to really own what you want. I knew that first hand.

  My feelings towards William were those of frustration, I wondered why he couldn’t see things from my perspective. My feelings towards Joel were of extreme empathy and compassion, and wanting to leave him alone for as long as he needed right now.

  But that didn’t mean that I could keep any of these feelings in check and do the right thing at the right time. I swung from wanting William to understand and wanting to make him understand to wanting nothing more to do with him. I wanted to quit my job sometimes because it felt like torture to be around him so much, even though I had told him I could handle it and I would behave.

  With Joel however, it was different. I swung from wanting to give him space to wanting to be in his space and to show him how easy it could be to make a relationship work and that it didn’t matter if I was with someone else too, I still cared about him just as much as I ever had.

  So I would behave really reasonably with William sometimes, and try to ignore him at others. Not easy to do when someone is supposed to be managing you.

  With Joel, I would go a few hours without talking to him, or a day, then I would be in touch with him again, even knowing what he needed now was space and time to himself.

  That first day back at work I sunk a little, then the other two days at work after that were followed by the same. I sunk down further and further into sad feelings, into feelings of depression and of feeling like no matter what I did, I would never have what I wanted. At least not with these two.

  But these two were all I wanted, they were all I could think about.

  I went on for a month like this, being torn between feelings, unable to leave well enough alone. Telling myself I wouldn’t do this or that thing, that it wasn’t appropriate. Then I would be rushing to do this or that thing only moments after I had told myself it wasn’t the right thing to do and therefore I wouldn’t be doing it.

  It was a cycle I needed to break.

  I could see both men were simultaneously growing tired of my behavior and felt bad for me. A part of me - a part I am not proud to admit even existed - hoped that this sympathy would eventually turn into something else. Eventually they would be able to see that I needed them both.

  But no-one was going to see things my way, at least not today.

  Growing tired of the whole dynamic, I decided to find a safe way to distract myself. I threw myself into my studies and spent more time taking the menial work off the other PA. Things like setting dinner reservations for a few weeks from now or meeting requests to other lawyers. Things that William wouldn’t need to ask about, let alone check were being done. I could just focus on doing my work, getting paid and going home.

  Easy.

  Or, not so much, but I couldn’t do too much else. I had to try to accept the decision of both men. No matter how much I was sure they had both made a poor choice, I would think uncharitably as I reminded myself that I was going to be a well behaved dump-ee.

  Over time, I started going out again with my friends and knowing about my break up with Joel - but not my break with with William, because he was right, it is hard talking about such an unconventional relationship - they made a point of taking me out to bars so I could meet other people, and potentially meet another guy. The easiest way to get over someone they say is to get under someone new.

  I met a bunch of other men, too. There were guys in every place we went to who wanted to buy me drinks or ask for my phone number or fuss over me in one way or another. I went along with all of it, because it helped me to feel better even if for just a few moments.

  But then they started taking me out, and it was more than just a few moments of feeling better.

  One particular date happened around six weeks after the break up with both men had happened, and it was such a strange night. Not only did I run into William out with some other lawyers for an after work drink on the Friday evening, but I also run into Joel at the restaurant, where he was taking his sister out for her birthday.

  When I saw him there with her, I remembered what day it was. I wouldn’t have told him that hey at least I remembered his sisters birthday even if I didn’t remember his mothers. But, it didn’t matter what I would or wouldn’t tell him, because he wasn’t coming near me. Joel was staying as far away from me as he could. While still looking over quite regularly, of course.

  The guy I was with seemed too dense to notice that there was someone sitting only a few tables over who kept looking at us, just like how he didn’t seem too weirded out by my boss who seemed perhaps a bit over friendly when he came over to us at the bar and said hello, almost complete ignoring my date.

  This whole date would be funny, if it wasn’t so tragic I told myself. It would be hilarious to anyone on the outside looking in - anyone who had a bit of knowledge about who all the players were - to watch the body language between me and my exes and the guy I was now dating, who seemed not to notice that anything was amiss when it so clearly wasn’t quite right.

  The date went fine though, with my date being extra wonderful. He paid bills and opened doors for me. He treated me well before taking me back to my car. He had offered to drive me, but I had told him it was fine I would like to drive myself. He was okay with this, and even not pushy when it came to the end of the night.

  The perfect gentleman.

  I drove home thinking how he was a really great guy, my date. I told myself how lovely it had been to spend time with him, to spend time with someone who I didn’t have to talk about my research with or my work with. To spend time with someone who thought I was interesting and funny and who didn’t mind that other men were staring at us - who didn’t even seem to notice.

  I drove home thinking of all those things, of how great the guy was, but also with an odd sort of feeling in my tummy.

  The guy had been great, but he wasn’t one of my guys. It wasn’t the same as spending date night with young and fun Joel or with older and more stable William. It wasn’t the same as what I was used to, and what I loved.

  It was nice to spend time with this guy who made me laugh and also made me feel important, but at the end of the day he wasn’t one of my boys.

  At the end of the day I thoughts as I turned into my drive way, he wasn’t Joel. He wasn’t Joel who was already parked and waiting beside his car for me to get home. Joel, who I had to blink twice because I almost couldn’t believe he was here. He was here outside my home waiting for me to get home for a date. Joel, who had been ignoring me since he broke it off with me.

  I couldn’t quite shake off the shocked feeling I now had.

  Joel. Here. Now.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  I ushered Joel into my home, feeling all heady that not only was he there, but that he was there of his own accord. He actually wanted to see me, despite everything that had happened! Despite the phone calls and text messages which I felt sure most people would see as harassment, despite all the ‘I won’t talk to you, this is my last goodbye’ comments which of course were always quickly followed by my wanting to talk to him again, to catch up with him, to see him. The later proceeding the former more often than I would like to admit.

  Now he was here, stepping into my home. He wanted to be here, he wanted to see me. I almost didn’t care why he was here, I just wanted him to be here so badly that it ached because he was finally here. Yes he was finally here, and I didn’t know what to say to him.

  “Ah, come in, come in.” I said after he was already inside.

  Joel’s face was blank, he just nodded at me as if he say yep, I am already here. Next question.

  Then I looked him up and down, unable to help myself. That was before I caught his eye and, clearing my throat, asked him if he would like anything.

  Joel cocked his head, “like anything?”

  “Ah, like a drink? Maybe something to eat?” I asked, trying hard not to
say what I was really thinking - would he like me? Right here, right now. I was willing to give him whatever he wanted.

  Joel shook his head, standing there, still as a statue beside the small movement of his head.

  I went to invite Joel to move but all he did was shake his head at first. He was as awkward as I was it seemed. Eventually he did decide to move and we were sitting in my lounge room, without anything to drink, just staring at one another. I didn’t want to say anything because as imperfect as this moment was, I was really pleased that he was in my home. I don’t know why he wasn’t talking though. He just kept looking at me.

  Then we went to talk at the same time, before stopping talking at the same time.

  “You go.” I said, motioning wildly for him to go, please, anything to stop me from making a fool of myself.

  Joel cleared his throat before telling me, “okay. Well, I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Okay.” I said sitting a little straighter and looking expectant. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say, but his silence told me I should say something. So I agreed to him wanting to talk to me. Sure, whatever. Talk away.

  Joel cleared his throat, “I saw you with that other guy tonight, and I realized I have made a mistake.”

  “Have you?” I asked, although I knew he had. Of course he had.

  “Yes, I have.” He told me.

  “So, what are you going to do about it?” I asked.

  “I was coming over here to apologize for what I had done.” He told me, “it’s the least I can do.”

  That wasn’t what I was hoping to hear, and I am sure he could see it on my face as I stared at him. Was he kidding?

  “It’s the least you can do, really?” I asked, knowing that the least he could do would be to ask me to get back with him. Which I would pretend to consider all the while jumping all over him. I felt as though I would never stop wanting him. He must know that, I thought to myself.